note...

Please read this blog with care-its not inteneded to be triggering, but it does bluntly discuss issues surrounding Eating Disorders and Self Injury.

Friday 20 August 2010

sorry for the long time no reply (aka noone is actually immune to the consequences of ED)

Firstly, I'm really sorry i havnt posted and replied to questions for the last couple of weeks.

I now have an indwelling catheter. This is a result of an SI injury to the nerve tissue connected to my bladder(ie a deep cut in a bad place) and the fact that years of binging and purging are not good for your kidneys. This means that i now have to walk around with a bag of pee strapped to my leg, with a very uncomfortable tube shoved up my pee hole. Did i know i'd damaged my kidney-did i heck. In a way, its good it got noticed now. so, I may end up having a kidney removed, in which case i have to get better or die basically-and when you put it like that, doesnt recovery seem nuch more like the answer here?

I'm not writing this to freak anyone out. Heck, im ashamed for it. Bt i wanted to use it to illustrate the point that NO-ONE is immunt to the physical consequences of eating disorders and self injury. you might well read this and think, well 'that will never happen to me'.

good luck with that.

sometimes a reality check does you real good in terms of recovery. I went through a very bad patch, die to some difficult issues in my personal life-and this is the wake up call for me to get my recovery going in the right direction again. You can only ever try your hardest.recovery doesnt happen over night, and to be fair, ive seriouysly lackied in the support stakes.

But now i know that i need to get better.

Before getting better isnt a choice i have any longer.

is your eating disorder worth this? mine might be comforting in times of stress, a habit to fall back on. BUT ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

wake up call.

I'll be working through the email and post questions in the next few days-and if your now doubting my abaility to answer these questions-i never said it was easy to recover, and I have always pointed out that the people that write this blog answer from personal experience, and are not professionals. so please dont shout at me!!

xxxxx

Friday 6 August 2010

answer to question-knuckle damage

Hey, firstly, dont worry about the annonymous thing, thats totally fine. secondly, of course i will answer (or try to) your question-

'Every time I'm with other people I feel as though they can just take one look at my knuckles and spot I purged that day, but I can't seem to find any effect method to make that marks and cuts less noticeable?'

firstly the usual 'dont sue me im trying to help disclaimer'.
I think this effects people to differing degrees.  For some people, it the thing that gives the game away, for want of a better phrase, and for others, its not noticeable. Ive been purging for about 13 years now-im trying to recover and ive cut down significantly now, but i know it takes a long time to change these behaviours. I personally have never really seen much damage to my knuckles-maybe its the way i purge-avoid my teeth like the plague-or maybe im just really lucky. they do get sore-i guess from all the acid, and i get this weird acid burn at the corners of my mouth sometimes which really hurts. in terns of treating it-try savlon when they feel raw, and lots of moisturiser?Bio oil is my favourite thing in the world-itl prob feel a bit greasy on yor knuckles but it does smooth the skin out, or try some sort of coca buttert hick moisturiser. im sorry, this is a cak answer, and im going to ask some other people what they think for you. has anyone ever noticed them? because you know that they are there, so you feel more self concious of it-and maybe they arnt that noticeable.just a thought. i have terrible paranoia that people know ive purged, abd actually, they rarely do.  ok, the other thing im thinking is the way you are purging. PLEASE PLEASE dont think im encouraging things here, im not, im trying to think of ways to minimise harm to yourself. i know its hard to stop purging. Does it take a lot of force, or is it a struggle to make yourself sick?because maybe its the desperation of it thats making you catch your knuckles on your teeth, if you see where im going with this. try drinking a moderate amount of water-it helps things come up easier, and please take not of the previous post anout replacing lost electrolytes through purging..
im sorry, i know this isnt the most helpful thing. il try and come up with a better answer for you.

take care xxx

Constipation, electrolyes, and hair loss-more answers to your questions:)

Wow the title of this post sounds really inviting doesnt it hahaha sorry :)
Once again-the usual 'dont sue me disclaimer'-im not medically qualified, im talking from the experiences of myself, and other people i know who have suffered with long term eating disorders. In other words-im just trying to be helpful, minimise harm in the early stages of recovery, and spread the love eh?.so please stop sending me hate mail, im not encouraging anything!

'How do i deal with constioation without using laxatives?'
There are very few things worse than persistant constipation-it hurts, its insanely irritating and it.drives.you.mad. If constipation is a long term prob-go to your doc. prologed laxative use can lead to a sluggish bowel, or damahe to the nerves that control down there, making the whole digestive sytem function slower. If you always feel full, or bloated this could be why. I think i say this waay to often, but Elvis killed himself because he couldnt deal with constipation any more yknow.

Try drinking lots.i mean LOTS-like water, or squash, clear fluids. that helps me sometimes, and the usual stuff like prunes. In fact, in times of dire desperation, i have eaten a small mountain of fruit-bananas, bluberries and stuff, which i knew would give me an iffy tummy.this is obviuosly NOT an advisable option, but i thought you'd like to laugh at me. coffee is a natural laxative, especially if your not used to drinking it, and i know that gets things moving for me! ok, we all know the issues with laxatives, its a vicious circle ending in you needing tons of them for anything to happen, screwing up your electrolytes in the process. If you dont normally take them, or havnt for a long time, and it feels safe for you to do it-taking the odd recomended dose isnt going to hurt you. or try an enema if your desperate. its weird, and you wont WANT to do it to often! i find probiotic yoghurts can help, something like yakult, and having fruit and yoghurt for breakfast helped in the past too. Ask a pharmacist about natural laxatives. sorry, this is a rubbish answer, to a really crappy problem. oooh.and apple juice. i have NO idea why, but this always solves it for me!!


'How can I manage my potassium/electrolyte levels when not purging isnt an option?'
The way i see it, is minimising harm is the first step in recovery-you are trying to change behaviours, and trying to make what you do safer, when, if you think about it, in the depths of illness, you wouldnt care less.

purging really screws around with your potassium and electrolyte levels. This can be dangerous, as these minerals are essential to muscle and nerve function, as well as vital to the maintenance of your body and its metabolism. This is why after purging you may feel very shaky, trembly, or have heart palpitations.

potassium is the thing that is the biggest issue-everything in your body needs it to work. a friend of mine who is a nurse, told me the best thing to do is to force yourself to drink rehydration salts-you know the stuff thats marketed for when you have diarhoea?well, it works for having been sick too, and it will replace the depleted mineral supplies in your body, correcting electrolyte/potassium levels. I think this is the best thing to do. Also, eat bananas-they contain loads of potassium. Really try and avoid 'rinsing your stomach', or 'salt water flushes' O(and if you dont know what that is, im not explaining it for a reason.I dont want to give anyone ideas they didnt know), because this is basically a fast track way to ending up in hospital on a potasssium drip. if you pass out after purging fairly often, have bad palpitations, constantly feel weak, tired or dizzy-get yourself to the docs pronto. people DIE from low potassium levels. and im not just trying to scare you. This, aside from suicide, is the biggest cause of death amongst sufferers of bulimia.

'Will your hair still fall out if you are bulimic, but overweight?'
Im guessing this might have been asked by someone who hasnt had an eating disorder for a long time-if im right, get yourself help now sweetie .if not-sorry, im not being patronising. Email me if you want some good websites to look at, books to read etc, in fact, i might do a post on it.

The hairloss in all eating disorders is linked to malnutrition. You can be overweight, and still be malnourished-fact. Nourishment is about your body have the right amounts of each food group, and the vitamins and minerals it needs to function correctly. so you can be any weight and malnourished, as it depends what you are eating. Also, many people whose primary eating disorder was bulimia-they are often overweight. This is because, yes, in the beginning, binging and purging will make you lose weight.But your body soon gets wise to this game, and basically stores everything it can when you eat after a month or so of this, and then the cycle will cause you to put on weight. thats a very crude description of the process, and im pretty sure other sites like BEAT or NHS sots will describe this a bit better!.

So if you are malnourished, then yes, you may suffer hair loss. its usually worse when you are purging many times in a day, or if you are going through a period of fasting. it effects different people in different ways-mine comes out loads when i wash/brush it, other peoples becomes really fine, some people lose it in clumps.

just remember its all linked to nourishment, all of the effects of eating disorders are, pretty uch when you think about it. so whatever weight you are anyway (or think you are) some things may or may not effect you.

a quick run through of the other main effects of bulimia-
the biggies include damaging your teeth and gums, fatigue, dizzyness, electrolyte inbalance, damage to your tissue-the force of making yourself sick can cause your stomach to tear, you;you can also damage your oesophagus in a similar way. Long term, depleted mineral supplies can weaken your bones. There are many many, many more associated problems with bulimia, which are probably best given a seperate post. if you want to know more, look at some reliable websites-for example BEAT, the eating disorders charity, or the NHS choices website-google nhs and bulimia, and you'l find it:)

keep coming with the questions:)

take care
xxx

Tuesday 3 August 2010

what do you want me to write about?

what would help?
ive had some negative feedback on this blog lately via email, but i really want to keep it going,sticking to the original idea of talking about the practicalities of Ed's, Si and recovery.and answering someof the stuff people want to ask but dont know who too. myself, ive been struggling with these issues for a long time-and if i can use that in any way to help someone else cope ona daily basis, i really dont see whats wrong with that.

anyway-is there anything you'd like to know?things you want me to post about? il email you back privately if your shy:)

Sunday 1 August 2010

Answers to some questions (sorry its taken so long Anise!)

Firstly, sorry its been so long since this blog has been updated. Truth is, i feel a little hypocritical wirting on here right now, considering that i've now (hopefully temporarily) lost the ability to pee, thanks to an SI stomach injury.

But then i thought-well, we all learn from eachother. And tjis is a blog about sharing methods of coping with the evryday issues surrounding eating disorders, and self injury, and having lived with one for nearly 13 years now (and trust me-I am putting everything i can muster into my recovery), i think theres things ive learnt along the way, that might help.

so like i always say, im not judging anyone here, nor encouraging anything. Its just that the practicalites SUCK, right?!

so to the best of my ability, im going to answer some of the questions we've been emailed over the last couple of weeks. And note that this are thinsg that we have found from our experiences-and will always say if a medical professional has told us the advice-but you should always try and talk with your doc if you can, cos i dont wanna get sued for trying to help haha

'How do you get the smell of vomit out of your nose after purging'?'
This is horrible to live with i know. From personal experience, ive found rinsing my mouth REALLY well with bicarb helps to at least shift the taste (DONT clean your teeth for like an hour after purging, or you will just brush acid into them). im not encouraging anything here, so please dont all shout at me-but from my own (and some of the other girls experiences), drinking a ot of water while you purge helps stop it from getting in your nose less. and waiting as long as you can possibly manage before purging also helps this, as its more liquid in your stomach. The nose issue comes from when your thrpwing up more solid stuff, and the force of making yourself retch forces it up the wrong way. im sorry to be gross, cant think oof a better way to explain.just i think water is the key. and failing that-rinseing your sinuses out-just with water though-will help stop them getting irritated. I've heard of people being tested for all sorts of sinus probs and allergies, when its actually irritation from the acid. i wouldnt recomend doing it with bicarb-becasue i dont know how safe that would be-ive done it myself, but i dont know if you should. so DONT TAKE MY WORD FOR IT, and just do it with water. if you dont knwo how to do this, there are loads of sites that show you how, or-get a syringe, fill it with clean cold water, tilt your head backand to one side, GENTLY squirt the water up your nose (really gently!!!), tilt your head the other way, and itl come out of the other nostril.it does feel really weird when you first do it, but it doesnt hurt.if the taset or irritation is still there, then do it from the other side.

'is there a safe place to cut myself?'
No. read the begining of this post again, then think about it. i'm not going to be a hypocrite and say its easy not to cut, but neither am i going to tell you where to do it. bottom line is, nowhere is 'safe'. Even a small cut can get infected, and infected wounds HURT.
ALWAYS ALWAYS got to A&E to get anything you are worried about checked-chances are if your not sure, it will need treatment. And yeh, ok, ive had some not to great experiences at A&E, but i have also met some people whose support has been invaluable to me-there are genuinely some very understanding doctors around. People debate as to wether its a good idea to keep dressings, antispetic etc at home for SI wounds, because sometimes noing you have the supplies to mop it up is actually encouraging of the behaviour. Personally, i keep dressing pads, steri strips, and savlon solution and tape at home, but this one depends on how you feel about it. If i cut-it enevitably needs treatment, so what i have is to help me until i get help. and if you think you need stitches go soon, cos they wont stitch wounds that are older than a few hoirs due to infection risk. and then youve really got probs.

'Do you find that self harm gets worse the ore often you do, or the longer you have done it for'?'
essentially yes, but im speaking for me, and the others who contribute here. Becasue the more you do it, for whatever reason, eventually, whatever you do will get worse for you to get the same feeling, because you get numb to it.
I cut because the pain distracts me from my head-therefore the worse im feeling, the worse i damage myself.others cut cos they get an adrenaline kick.there are loads of reasons, and feelings people get, but yes, in general, i think it does escualte. try and set yourself limits. Try and put it off, five minutes at a time-trust me you CAN do it. yeh, i still SI-but it takes a lot more to trigger me to do it now.

ok, sorry this post is getting a bit epic now- and i'll leave it on this-i know it feels like your eating disorder is your friend, you can trust it to make you feel special, worth it (well, in the early stages i mean0, it makes it better, it takes your pain way.

but ask yourself this-'how many friends do you have that try to kill you?'

if you want to ask something, or just want to talk to someone-email eatingdisorderfairy@gmail.com, or leave a comment. i cant always answer on your blogs, because my laptop is weird and only lets me comment on blogs with pop out comment windows.its a conspiracy, im sure.

take care

xxxxx

Saturday 17 July 2010

Backed up plumbing

This sucks. If you purge alot, its fairly enevitable that at some point you will screw the plumbing in your house up. And bear in mind its all connected-so if you block up your shower, or your toilet, then after a while everything else-sinks, basins, everything, will also start to back up. So its gross, but best to sort it out when it happens.

Also something to think about is that the acidity of vomit actually corrodes the pipes, which can lead to leaks-i know someone that this happend to, and eventually they had a leak in the cealing just below the bathroom...

Ok-so the best thing to do is put some gloves on, shut your eyes, and pull out the gunk. This works well with showers and sinks, and then poor as much THICK bleach (now is not the time for tesco value lol) as you can get hold of down the plug holes.Like im talking a couple of bottles for a few days. Same deal with toilets, except you need more bleach to do it properly-due to the gravity effect of how plumbing systems are layed out. You might also find that if it happens often, you need to invest in a 'toilet unblocker', a weird contraction which ooks like a suction pump, and doesnt use chemicals-so better for environment.They cost about a tenner from DIY shops and you can reuse them.

I know why lost of people do it-but try to avoid if you possibly can, throwing up in the shower, as these get backed up so easily.

I've also found in the past, when i have seriously screwed my plumbing up, that i have had to resort to puking in a bucket, lined with a carrier bag, which i then chucked into the bin on the pavement just along from my house. Im not proud-and yeh its gross. But id did save me about £500 on a plumber.

Again, im not encouraging purging here, but just some advise on dealing with it:)

xxx

Wednesday 14 July 2010

Distraction doesnt mean avoiding life

'distraction' is a word you will here bounced around in mental health a lot. And its a word that really gets my back up.

Dont confuse distracting yourself from maladaptive coping strategies, and avoiding life.

If you constantly try and distract yourself from how you are feeling, essentially you will end up avoiding living your life-and thats not going to get you anywhere. What distraction really means is that you have to develop new skills to deal with old feelings. For example, when i get upset, I am likely to deal with that by making myself sick. So what i need to do is learn to re-programme purging as my default setting to deal with upset, and replace it with something healthier, that keeps my mind away from that-something constructive, something i enjoy, you know the things i mean-and if you dont, start thinking about them. I know it sounds airy fairy and annoying-but truth is, recovery is alabout learning new skills to replace maladaptive behaviours, in response to emotional trauma.

Its ok to feel the feelings-its ok to think about them and try and deal with them-distraction doesnt mean avoiding the way you feel, it means trying to deal with it in a more healthy way.

By avoiding the way you feel, ultimately these things will become even nore overwhelming, and bulid up to something that seems impossible to cope with.

I said at the begining distraction-the dreaded 'd' word gets my back up-and it does. because mental health professionals sometimes mix up the meaning of 'distract' with 'avoid'. Hell, its good to talk-seriously, you have to be able to talk about the way you are feeling, get it out-if thats by talking, writing a diary, a blog, youtube vids, whatever. (while i think of it-when I first started trying to recover-i literally couldnt talk about anything. So i started to make youtube videos to help me learn to talk about things. because i had issues with saying things outloud-sounds weird, but it really helped me). Just dont get so busy trying to distract yourself you start avoiding life.

Accept the way you feel-its ok to feel however you feel. you dont need to justify it-but dont avoid it, and distract yourself from the associated behaviours, and not necessarily the feelings.

If this makes no sense then feel free to email eatingdisorderfairy@gmail.com, or leave a comment. I wanted to write this because the distinction between these things is something i find really helpful for myself-but if this just sounds totally whack, or confusing, then tell me so!

just-your feelings always catch up with you.Its better to deal with it - and try to change the way you do it-than avoid it.

take lots of care

xxx